it’s so bad it’s … bad

I’m having a hard time thinking of how to explain (or even why I should explain) why I watch zombie movies. 99.9% of them really suck. Not to be confused with the “ironic” enjoyment of films that suck, in which you watch a film precisely because it registers 360 degrees on the Suck-Meter and is therefore, somehow, good (Alferd Packer: The Musical being a great example). No – movies concerning the Living Dead are just plain bad. Ninety or so minutes where you are alternatively bored, grossed out, or feeling awkward by the weird erotic zombie molesting scene (yeah, that usually happens in each and every one of them).

Friends who know me are confused when they hear I’ve Netflix’d yet another zombie film. “Aren’t you afraid of zombies?” they ask. Well, yeah. Actually. It’s probably the only supernatural (i.e. phony) phenomena that gives me the heebie-geebies. But asking me why I watch something that freaks me out is akin to another query I get often: “Why did you take such a big bite of wasabi that your nose is bleeding?” Sometimes, we do things that hurt us, because we like the hurt. I think you get my drift. And if you don’t, just stick to your Meg Ryan / Tom Hanks romantic comedies or one of those feel-good flicks where someone mentally retarded helps us all feel good about football or America.

I digress. But yeah. Today while the kids napped, instead of doing any dishes or chores I sat on my bedroom windowsill, smoked a cigarette, and tuned into a real swollen turd of an Italian grade B zombie film featuring the following highlights:

  • ensemble no-talent international cast (meaning Italians and whomever else they could get) which means no matter what language you view it in, you get to see some awesomely shitty dubbing
  • a female lead played by Tisa Farrow (yes, little-known sister of Mia in turn ex-wife to filmmaker and shrivelled pedophile Woody Allen, etc etc)
  • male lead played by some Brit with very, very, very bad receding hair made tragic by a John Denver-esque attempt at cover-up
  • some other bearded 70’s stud who I would have sworn went on to porn but instead culminated his career several years later in his role of “Drunken Nazi” in The Ghosts of Sodom (I am not making this stuff up!)
  • badly done yet gruesome eyeball piercing scene and lotsa neck-biting
  • probably the only “shark vs. zombie” fight we’ll see. And why is that, I ask!?
  • a couple good sets of Italian boobs, another superfluous yet steadfast standard of the genre.

By the way, the zombie on the front of the video case – which you will surely recognize if they’ve ever scanned the badlands of faded VHS covers in the “Horror” section – is just about the best special effect in the film. Well, besides the real shark they hired for the zombie/shark fight scene (who I’m told later played “Foolish Marine Animal” in The Ghosts of Sodom).

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