pass the popcorn – and the anti-nausea medication

So I’ve been feeling guilty about subjecting my daughter, who occasionally stays up late with me, to such adult entertainment as my recent rented television forays into shows such as “Firefly”, “24”, and “Oz” (kidding on that last one… HBO humor is the best kind of humor!). Among the many reasons not to let your kids watch this pap, the plot lines are simply too boring to a child of four and with good reason. Yesterday in Safeway under duress of my youngest attempting a standing fit in the shopping cart, I took a chance (even as I felt my stomach sink a bit) and rented this for family viewing:

Now, I could embark on a vitriolic campaign thoroughly trashing the latest in pithy “small Southern village flava” Hollywood installments. But, dear readers, I am simply too uninspired for such easy pickins. If you yourself are considering renting this movie, I simply want to help steer you regarding your criteria for film-viewing. When your precious preschooler says, “Doggie!” and points at the affable canine on the front cover, don’t think to yourself: Hmmm, Cicely Tyson – the acclaimed and accomplished actress I loved in “The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman”!; nor, I wonder what Dave Matthews, guitarist and songwriter, could bring to a motion picture role?; nor even, Why, I love Eva Marie Saint! Heck, why not?

No – to get to the real essence of the choice you are making here, what you need to ask yourself is this: Am I interested in another quaint Southern yarn concerning a small town populated by lonely rejects and cast-offs who are miraculously united by a plucky young orphan new to town? – a story with even less flavor and more watered-down spirituality than Fried Green Tomatoes? Have I simply not had enough of the “blubbering Floridian sheriff” roles? Am I in the mood for a film plot revolving around a spirited ‘acting dog’ made all the more charming by the CGI effect of enhancing the animal’s jolly grin? And if, indeed, you can answer in the affirmative to any or all of these queries, then Winn-Dixie is for you.

As for me, I’m taking Suse to see King Kong this week. Fuck it.

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