sewing the seeds of tranquility

Well, I’m going to just come out with it: today has been rotten. I decided yesterday I was going to be mellow with my children and instead I ended up in epic proportions a total Harpy Mama: lashing out at my kids, shooting dirty looks at a tourist party*, and allowing myself to get thoroughly annoyed by a certain soul who up until now I have kept from plaguing me for months.

I started out with such good intentions: a bus ride uptown, walk downtown, and back on the bus to bring lunch to my husband. Gee, what a Smart Mama! Get some nice fresh air and long walk in, plus a bus ride which the children love. My only errands: pick up CD mailers from the Post Office, sandwiches for the family, meet up with Ralph at his work. That is it. That is all I wanted to do. I wanted to do it without yelling at my kids, without grabbing their arms and lecturing them, and without feeling completely overhwhelmed and burnt out and having about eighty pissy experiences. I guess no deal.

And people, I want to support our transit system! When I go for a whole day without once using the car I feel great. And the kids love, love, love the bus. However it makes me super carsick unless it’s well ventilated, especially when exacerbated by the assy “skills” of the driver (a new one) who would slam on brakes for no apparent reason (causing my 2 1/2 year old to fall out of his seat and my stomach to slosh greenly and ominously).

Oh – and I’ve found out over the last couple years our transit system makes route changes. A lot. So you can imagine how fun it was for me (after an hour and a half of what turned out to be Errands Del Diablo) to drag / carry my two hungry, rowdy kids several blocks and wait at a stop before noticing the stop was no longer being used. Fuck. Drag them to the proper new spot, where I consider drowning them in the fountain, consider it oh-so-briefly, but of course – witnesses. I harp on them about don’t-do-this and don’t-do-that then finally realize: let them throw rocks in the goddamn fountain. There is nothing else for them to do at this bus stop. If it’s between that and me redirecting them (to what? a boring, grassy parkland area with a bench and flowergardens) and finally getting frustrated and KILLING them, well – no contest.

I think we’re either giving our children too much food or too much sleep. They are just too powerful.

And of course, through this day, I would of course run across a particularly challenging individual who I never let get the best of me and today – damn it.

Thank God my husband has been taking care of us so well.

I need a break.

* Not because they were tourists – which seems to be reason enough for snooty PT attitude – but because they all kinda fondly watched and chuckled while my two year old climbed up a balcony and I had to run across the restaurant and rescue him (I had been trying to order our sandwiches and negotiate with my four year old and turned my back on him for a second). Thanks for looking out, people!

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