on awakening

This morning when I sat down to meditate, things seemed a bit muddled. I’ve been very ill, nothing serious, but debilitating. Too ill to work, or sew, or clean or cook. I knew I was a productive enough person, but I was not prepared to see just how much doesn’t get done, when I don’t do it.

It has been very difficult to watch the moments slip away and know that it means I can’t complete tailoring work, I can’t be in to my job in Elections where I am needed, I can’t make a meal for my family. Our bank is overdrawn for the first time in quite some time – hundreds, due to a series of fees that in inexperience I did not anticipate.

I can do nothing about this.

This morning I woke early. Sick or not, I am committed to a volunteer event I’d assigned myself too several months ago. About twenty to twenty-five individuals are traveling from the Seattle area, and I am hosting them – responsible for breakfast, lunch, and facilitating the event. I asked for help from my local chapter in this group – and only one person volunteered. 

As so many are wont to say: “It is what it is.” 

In meditation these thoughts – and a hundred more – come, swell to fruition, pass on. I come to realize over these few minutes that I do want to be there today, and want to feed and help my fellow volunteers. I am afraid of how ill I am, and that I will get worse, and that I won’t be able to do what I need to do – not just today, but in the days to come. I am uncertain – about so much. I am unsure as to how I’m going to pay for our keep. I am unsure of when I’ll get to rest again, when I’ll get a good night’s sleep.

But I don’t need to do all that right now.

Right now I let these thoughts come and go and I realize, I am very glad for the life I have. I am less sure than I was yesterday how things are going to go. But I am sure they are going to be fine.

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